Zabadeebloobla

I have no idea why but I feel paralyzed by the fear of being judged. I can't do anything unless it's perfect or profound or thoughtful or just generally paints me in a good light. Idk whether it's religious trauma and some fear of my actions ringing into eternity or something else that makes me feel like I'm on the brink of being kicked out of some in-group. Ya, this might be something I need to go to therapy for because it's just a feeling that is stuck to me like glue, and it has been for a very long time I feel. 

Even now I'm starting a timer for 5 minutes to make me stop writing because I know I'll want to wrap this up in some deep poetic way that makes me feel special and worthwhile. I do feel like my dad is a very judgmental person, and a hard one to impress, so it could be something attached to that! Some fear of being unlovable in some way! That's an awesome thought haha, anywayyyyy, I like just writing random thoughts that aren't perfect, I just feel like this is something in my heart I need to turn to.

Since I've been sober I feel like it's made me gain some clarity, or at least made me reflect on why I get addicted to things. Porn, weed, video games, social media, food, anything. I'm starting to feel like there's a connection to this discomfort in my chest, this fear of judgment, that makes me want to escape myself.

I love Buddhism but I feel like I've even used philosophies as an escape from myself, some mode of purified thought and perfection I can strive toward to help me feel less pain. This is probably a misunderstanding of what the Buddha intended but maybe not! Maybe nobody's special. Here I am putting in the last few words after my timer goes off, see ya it's been fun.